To Keep A Wolf

A layer of cold sweat is all I’m wearing against my skin. Even as I think about the possibility of getting dressed, nausea rolls through me. Not because clothes disgust me but because of what I’ll have to do if I wear them. Leave this room. Perform the lie. Further betray my people. Thinking about it now, I’m forced to lean over the toilet as my stomach tries to empty itself. The problem is that it already has. Dozens of times. Now, all that’s left to purge is my own regret. I don’t see that leaving me anytime soon, though.
The world is darker today—because of me. Because of the deal I made. The deal I was forced into. Promising myself to a monster has consequences I didn’t fully understand. Not until I stood on the steps of the alpha house and watched Levi’s world crumble. But worse than watching Levi’s hope snuffed out is knowing I’ve condemned an entire pack to a future even darker than our past.
Remembering how Jadick betrayed me, condemning Romantics instead of freeing them, my stomach twists again, and I heave.
Nothing comes out.
I slump back down, my knees pressing painfully into the cold tile floor of my bathroom. My hair is a sweaty, matted mess. And my muscles have never felt weaker in my life. Struggling with the movements, I manage to pull a fresh shirt over my head. My shower, finished mere minutes ago, is already rendered pointless, thanks to the fresh wave of sweat and sickness that’s taken me down to the floor all over again.
I thought being poisoned with venom—three times, if we’re being technical—was bad. This is so much worse.
My vision swims. Partly from the tears I can’t seem to keep from spilling and partly because the sickness gripping me is a total bitch.
It’s the rejection.
All this time, I’d thought I’d felt the worst of it. The pain of Levi walking away from me was brutal, but this is something else entirely. My body hates me for what I’ve done. My wolf won’t even speak to me when I call on her.
Dying would be easier.
Maybe then, I wouldn’t have to watch as my stupid decisions bring about the destruction of an entire generation… Because if this is what it feels like to reject your fated mate, I have truly doomed us all.
There’s no strength in this.
Only pain and misery.
I deserve it.
A knock sounds at the bedroom door, eliciting a groan from my hoarse throat.
“Go away,” I croak, but the words are way too weak to be obeyed.